Busy Isn't the Same as Well

Welcome to another Monday edition of the Destiny Architecture newsletter, where I share about recovery once a week.

A few weeks ago on Radio Detox, my friend Car from PlebLab and I got to talking about staying busy. I told him I'm not the kind of person who works eight hours, goes home, and sits on the couch. I've always got to have a project. Then I said it out loud: maybe it's the addict in me.

We both laughed. But I've been chewing on that line ever since, because it's true.

The Addict Brain Loves a Full Calendar

When I got sober, nobody warned me that the obsession doesn't disappear. It relocates.

For a lot of us in recovery, the drink or the drug gets replaced by something that looks a whole lot healthier on paper. Work. A list of sponsees. Side hustles. The gym. Volunteering. Being The Gal or The Guy. Saying yes to every single thing. A calendar so full there's no white space left for a feeling to sneak in.

And here's the tricky part: people praise you for it. Nobody stages an intervention because you're too productive. "If you want something done, give it to a busy person," right? I've said that about myself and friends with pride. We're the busy ones. The get-it-all-done ones.

But busy and well are not the same thing.

I've been sober from alcohol for 13 years and off drugs for 25. I know what it looks like when I'm white-knuckling my life. I don't reach for a bottle anymore. I reach for another project. Another app to test. Another commitment.

That's still running. It's just running in nicer shoes.

HALT: Don't Skip the T

If you've spent any time in recovery rooms, you know HALT.

Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

I think the T gets ignored the most, especially by the busy ones. We'll eat. We'll call a friend. We'll work through our anger with a sponsor or a therapist. But tired? Tired is a badge of honor. Tired means we're doing it right.

Tired is also when my thinking gets sloppy, my patience gets thin, and old ideas start to sound reasonable again. Exhaustion is a relapse risk, not a personality trait.

Over the past 5 years, since I recovered from another major life challenge, covid, I've learned to slow down. Find the middle ground. Pace myself.

ALL the errands don't need to be run in one trip. ALL the chores don't need to be complete around the house. I can ask for help now. I can delegate. Only because something happened in 2021 in my life to force me to do it. But I learned. I took that lesson with me. Take the sick time when sick. Rest when tired. Rest is a flex in this alway-on world!

Rest Is a Recovery Skill

Here's what took me years to learn: rest is not the reward you get after the work is done. The work is never done.

Rest is part of the work.

Real rest is hard for people like us because it's quiet. When you stop moving, everything you've been outrunning gets a chance to catch up. That's uncomfortable. It's also exactly why it heals.

This is a big part of why I love yoga, and specifically why I love yoga nidra. It gives restless people a structure for doing nothing. You lie down. You listen. You're guided through your body, your breath, and your attention, and your nervous system finally gets the memo that it's allowed to stand down. No performance. No productivity. Nothing to win.

For a busy brain, that's radical.

A Few Ways to Practice Rest This Week

You don't have to overhaul your life. Try one of these:

• Schedule white space like it's a meeting. Put 20 minutes on the calendar that belongs to nothing. Protect it like you'd protect a client.
• Practice being bored. Be quiet. Be still. Turn off the noise. Take out the earbuds. Just be. Sound scary? Start with 5 minutes.
• Notice the reach. When you grab your phone, open another tab, or say yes before thinking, pause and ask: am I avoiding a feeling right now? (I'm learning to close my tabs and keep fewer than 50 open at a time, not kidding).
• Do one thing at a time. Eat a meal without a screen. Drive without a podcast (yes, even mine). Don't walk with an audiobook. Leave space. Let your mind have an uncluttered break.
• Go to bed before you're done. You will never be done.

Heading Into the Holiday Season

Car said something else in that conversation that stuck with me. Once October, November, and December roll around, his drinking tends to pick up, because it's just everywhere. He's not in recovery, and he's not wrong. Halloween parties, Friendsgiving, office parties, New Year's Eve. For the next ten weeks, the culture is going to hand you a drink at every turn.

If you're newly sober, sober-curious, or just trying to drink less, now is the time to build your rest muscles. Not in December when you're running on fumes. Now.

A rested person makes better decisions. A rested person can leave the party early without a speech. A rested person remembers why they started.

Tomorrow: A Practice Just for This

Tomorrow I'm releasing a brand new FREE 30-minute yoga nidra practice built around exactly this idea: permission to rest. No earning it, no justifying it. Just rest.

If you're one of us busy ones, I made this one for you. Keep an eye on your inbox.

And if this hit home, hit reply and tell me: what do you reach for when you're avoiding rest? I read every one.

Stay sober, stay rested, and be gentle with yourself this week.

-Heather

My cat, world class expert on resting, showing us what the treadmill is really for!